The
Homemaker from Hecktm
How much
lint is in YOUR trap?
The
Homemaker from Hecktm
How much
lint is in YOUR trap?
Are you ready to slip
on your rubber gloves and
Clean out the cobwebs
of your preconceived notions?
Wipe your feet and
enter the world of the
Homemaker
from Hecktm
Where…
No grout is too mildew-free
Where no good music too loud
No political sarcasm too biting
No environmentally safe cleaning product too safe
Just
remember - when you’re with The HFHtm,
you’re
with The HFHtm
“Without decent music, art, literature,
film and TV, a house isn’t worth maintaining.”
From the HFHtm’s Guide to Cleaning and CD
Shopping
“The HomemakerfromHeck.com is an all-purpose, one-sided, highly opinionated web site
taking on the most important domestic and cultural issues of the day.”
The Milkman - Lactose Deliverers Local 225
HFHtm’s Pop Culture
Pantry
a few tidbits that may make
you smarter, cleaner, scarier…
Quote Watch:
“We’ve been told we had three
minutes. My good friend Sen. (John)
Edwards spoke for five. So Joe
Lieberman told me that in the name of affirmative action, I can take seven.”
Al Sharpton, speaking at a pro-choice event where
the six Democratic presidential candidates were present.
Cleaning the Walls of
Sound
CD’s
that
make the dirt unimportant:
Beck
- Sea
Change
So
perfect, it makes me cry! Check out Round
the Bend with orchestral dissonance worthy of Berlioz. This CD “goes to 11” plus! Music and genius that make you want to
re-tile your entry way and spackle those unsightly nail holes!
FYI: Beck has been
officially HFHtm
Approvedtm these many years and it is always said of
him that he knows how to keep house well.
May that truly be said of all of us and as the Homemaker from Hecktm observed, “Stop the messes,
everyone.”
Birdsongs of the Mesozoic—Sonic
Geology
I worship this Birdsongs CD (in
the HFHtm’s
Guide to CD’s of My Life Top 10, definitely on the personal
soundtrack). It makes you want to perform modern dance or
re-grout the tile in the bathrooms.
Visceral, percussive smart noise to scour to.
DVD’s for the Domestic
Discs that demonstrate
even great shows have tacky decorating:
Sopranos Season III, of course.
American family redefined and
polished (off). After finishing season IV au cable, the
Soprano estate still pleases the “Uber decorator” in all of us. Ms.
Falco was so super in the last episode.
Lookin’ good for a Scrubbytm*
in the
best homemaker category. Let’s hope
that Tony and Christopher did an HFHtm Approvedtm quality clean-up
after the “Ralph Cifaretto incident”.
Dust the Bookshelf
Words With Which to Wax and
Wonder and Wax:
The Guns of August by Barbara W. Tuchman
Proving (again) that avoidable
political messes hoisted upon us by myopic Government policies leave misery and
destruction to be cleaned up by innocent men, women and children.
*look for more information regarding the Scrub
Brush Awardstm on this site.
How Do I Clean Thee?
Let Me Count the Ways
What’s
under those sink cabinets?
Crystal encrusted sanitizing agents
neglected and decayed? That poinsettia shaped
party platter that your friend left 3 Christmases ago? Towels unused, stacks of dry wet naps and
cat food with an expiration date of 9/94?
Get something done why don’t you?
See what’s under those cabinets.
When you’ve done a complete inventory write down a detailed list of all
contents. Rearrange the guts of the
sink using some fun criteria:
Stack towels in a rainbow pattern
(remember ROY G. BIV – (R)ed, (O)range, (Y)ellow,
(G)reen, (B)lue,
(I)ndigo, (V)iolet) That would look
so super.
NJ Organize
your cleaning chemicals from most to least toxic It could be a great
learning experience for you and your loved ones, plus important one-on-one time
together.
C Build a diorama of your
favorite city
using the drain trap as the centerpiece, there are tons of
super things under that sink to make a great looking municipal replica! Stack rolls of TP to make buildings, use
towel or placemats to make super looking lawns and roads, could be a real focal
point in the bathroom and a creative use of space.
Why do bad smells happen to nice sheets?
Okay, folks this
is a no brainer. Sheets and towels
(like cat pans) should be cleaned once a week or 2x’s a month depending on your
sweat yield (and/or the number of cats in your household). I’m not a dryer sheet gal (too waxy and
perfumy) but I do love to dry sheets outside for that fresh as a Midwest summer
smell. Of course double-check your
Homeowner’s Association Rules about laundry lines. Here in AZ with perfect year-round clothes drying temps laundry
lines are frowned upon as tacky, unnecessary eyesores. Why use nature when there is so much cheap
coal burning electricity available?
Nobody told you
to stop cleaning!
Need additional harmonic aids???
Suggestions always worthy of an oven cleaning or a
pantry re-org
Kid A—Radiohead
Daring Adventures—Richard
Thompson
Dopamine—Mitchell Froom
Nixon in China—John
Adams 
Birthing Chair Blues—Amy Denio
Schleep—Robert
Wyatt (on the HFHtm
list of all time greatest voices) 
White
Pepper--Ween
Escape from the Noise—Negativland
5th Symphony—Prokofiev (2nd movement energizes enough
to clean 2-3 rooms!)
Essential tools for the homemaker in
training…
Lots of old
cotton towels to rip apart and make super washrags.
A state-of-the-art
stereo system or one who’s speakers can reach into any crevice in the home.
A minimum of
4 CD’s per total house clean, or 1 CD per major homemaker project.
HFH approved
DVD’s and CD’s with which to do a super job in any of the homemaking
disciplines.
Current
membership in at least two not-for-profits, preferably with a left leaning
focus.
Your On-Line outlet for frequently asked Homemaker
questions.
Dear HFHtm: Can I really decorate my house with
beer signs?
HFHtm: Absolutely!
Any kind but a Coors Lite Light.
Dear HFHtm:
Talk to me about those convenient pre-soaked, cleanser filled, Windex saturated,
fresh-fruit-scented flushable towelettes currently flooding the Homemakers
market. May we use them, HFHtm?
HFHtm: Tempting as they are (and they are), though
convenient and o’ so lemony, they’re landfill-filling dry-out too fast plastic
wrapped pricey homemaker aids. Let’s
give them the go-by; Bush and his cronies have done enough to destroy the
environment. Stick with cotton and
vinegar. Just a super question, thanks!
Dear HFHtm:
I recently read that Marilyn Manson claimed to be “officially
HFHtmApprovedtm” is this true?
HFHtm: While I would love to place an HFHtmApprovedtm plaque on MM’s fireplace mantle nothing is
official. Rumors have been flying since
his super appearance in Bowling for Columbine, but an HFHtm nod is
premature.
The HFHtm says: Go see Bowling for Columbine, what a
film! A shoe-in for a Scrub Brushtm nomination.
The Scrub Brush Awards
Join the HFHtm on-line for a completely subjective, one-sided,
opinionated and sometimes vitriolic award show. Don’t worry, The HFHtm has pretty good taste
so it promises to be something….
Categories Include:
Best 2-3
sentence quote from a feature length film, TV series, mini-series and news
report
Tackiest
home decorating in a documentary and cable drama series
Preeminent
Album(s)
Most
Realistic Vacuum Commercial
Most
Excellent Film(s)
Best TV
Series
Songs played
most frequently in HFHtmmobile
Best Broom
technique by an actor in a dramatic role
Super DVD
purchases
Best Indie
Homemaking movie
Most condescending
patriarchal laundry detergent commercial
And of
course the
Special Lifetime Homemaker
from Hecktm Achievement
Awardtm
This year’s award will be
presented to Velma Friarburch of Denton, Texas for an unprecedented 773 days of
chemical-free drain de-clogging.
Impressive Velma! Way to use
that snake! An example for all of us
homemakers.
Country clutter: Coming soon—How to live and keep the house
clean After Digital
Cable
Music from Mary Ellen and
Kevin
Go
ahead, email me
Top picture
from: http://www.violetbooks.com/images2/devil.jpg